We Made it Through the Pandemic, Now What?
Yesenia Arroyo, LCSW on navigating the stressors Covid-19 presented on romantic relationships
If anyone pondered the outcomes of their friends and families’ relationships during the mandated shutdown in 2020, they might infer from social media that half the couples they know either increased their family size or broke up. It seemed there were a lot of pregnancy and engagement announcements this past year and a half, but also a lot of couples who struggled or separated. Though maybe different from what was shared on Instagram, evidence shows that during the pandemic, not only did the birth rate decrease, but many partners had a stronger relationship during quarantine-
Which makes one wonder why couples therapy would now be in high demand if relationships seemed to have strengthened due to the pandemic.
The issue presents itself with the transition and re-integration to normal daily life. People became accustomed to the limited routine of their own homes. As community restrictions lifted, many people expressed dissatisfaction with the previous workings of their daily lives, including the quality of their relationships. While couples depended primarily on the companionship and support of each other to cope during quarantine, differences in personality traits, communication style, emotional vulnerability, and behaviors became more obvious. The ability to bond and cope with one another during Covid-19 provided a necessity to people in a time of crisis.
Increased time spent together allowed them to not only reflect as a couple but individually. Now that a sense of “normalcy” is coming back many people are starting to process the last year and a half as well as all their collective time together.
How Covid Impacted Relationships
The compounded grief experienced by our society has challenged the stigma of mental health, and more individuals are receptive to discussing challenges with anxiety and depression. Reports of depressive symptoms increased seven-fold since the beginning of the pandemic, which justifies the struggles that couples are facing to preserve their individual coping as well as the strength of their romantic relationship.
Depression has a multitude of symptoms that affect all the systems of the human body. The most prevalent symptoms include apathy, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, sleep disruption, appetite changes, and physical changes including decreased libido and desire for intimacy. This change can create a rift or challenge for romantic relationships. If increased depression is experienced in both partners, relationships can go from passionate nights to two ships passing in the night.
Sexual desire (or lack thereof) is a cornerstone for most romantic relationships. When faced with trauma and increased depression individuals often lose their desire for sexual intimacy.
Research suggests couples who experience a multitude of stressors (financial strain, social isolation, communication conflicts and negative life events) have decreased sexual desires and sexual connections.
Additionally, when under stress, many couples dissect the responsiveness and listening skills of their partners, trying to identify whether they are really receptive of their emotional experiences, versus haphazardly responding to their emotional needs without much insight or sincerity.
The grief and tragedies of the Covid-19 pandemic had a large impact on not only the loved ones of lost individuals but the experiences and life flow for all humanity. A collective total of 4.6 million people lost their lives to Covid. The surviving humans had to deal with the grief and loss of their families, friends, community leaders, safety, structure, economic resources, and more. That insurmountable amount of grief and trauma experienced world-wide greatly impacted and shifted the expectations and desires of many populations and cultures.
A division in repair has been created due to major cultural and political influence craving previous societal norms to be restored, and others advocating to utilize this time to make more just changes in the policies set in place. All these factors come together to create a large burden on an individual, relationship, and family. This burden is stress. With the increased stress experienced by all of humanity coupled with the mandated isolations and shutdowns, many couples had the time to reflect on their lives and their relationships.
Couples are at a higher chance than ever to face inability to cohabitate again after a year of coping, trauma bonding, and ignoring to maintain the peace. For couples in happy relationships these issues may not be something that will rigidly terminate their connection, but so many couples face the experience of not knowing how to productively communicate their perspective, in addition to mismatched personalities. These differences could create a rift seemingly out of nowhere. The problems that most often arise are inability to cope and compromise with one another coupled with perpetual issues that arise in a relationship.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Research suggests the key components to maintaining a positive relationship are building up strengths in physical/emotional connection, commitment, and community. Suggestions for reforming relationships, especially in the time of Covid-19, focus on three main areas of relationship cohesion: “decide-don’t slide”, make it safe to connect, and actively doing your part in the relationship.
Couples in distress often begin to slide through relationship transitions to “go with the flow,” and not fully reflect, discuss and understand the implications of coming together and making thoughtful decisions. Stanley and Markman (2020) discuss the importance of making emotional connection a priority by allowing your partner to be vulnerable and safe with you.
“Make it safe to connect” emphasizes what each partner, and both together, can do to keep it safe to talk, connect, and provide emotional support to one another. Feeling accepted and connected are the foundations of being open and vulnerable in healthy relationships.
By doing your part, you recognize that it’s unfair to expect one partner to carry the whole relationship. Both partners are expected to meet each other in the middle and put effort into the outcomes they would like to see. Therapy can help couples improve their physical and emotional connection while working together toward shared goals.
The implications of such great stress on couples, along with the chance that the Covid-19 Delta variant may lead to another shutdown, makes it challenging for couples in distress to feel confident in their relationships. The increase of admitted depression among adults speaks to a need for more access to mental health support and counseling. Utilizing this time to slow down and reflect on individual experiences, as well as shared experience can be the starting point of real change.
Couples owe it to themselves to explore therapy and learn how to better support themselves so they can lean on their partners in times of need.
If you feel like you and your partner have seen better days and you want to work on re-building the friendship, shared meaning, and love, telehealth couples therapy can strengthen these connections during this increasingly stressful time in the world. This is a commitment to yourself, your partner, and your family. Right now, everyone needs increased support and seeking the resources that are out there is the first step to accepting, understanding, and re-building all that Covid-19 has taken from our world and ourselves.
Disclaimer: Couple’s therapy is not appropriate for partners in a chronic abusive and physically violent home environment. Anyone experiencing chronic domestic violence is urged to reach out and tell someone. Nobody should be harmed by someone, especially a person that is supposed to love them. Please Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or via https://www.thehotline.org/ or Text “START” to 88788 for more information and resources for support exiting an abusive environment
Works Cited
Balzarini, R. N., Muise, A., Zoppolat, G., Gesselman, A. N., Lehmiller, J. J., Garcia, J. R., … Mark, K. (2021, March 26). Sexual Desire in the Time of COVID-19: How COVID-Related Stressors are Associated with Sexual Desire in Romantic Relationships. https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/nxkgp
Cohen, P. N. (2021, March 17). Baby Bust: Falling Fertility in US Counties Is Associated with COVID-19 Prevalence and Mobility Reductions. https://doi.org/10.31235/osf.io/qwxz3
Goodwin R, Hou WK, Sun S, et alQuarantine, distress and interpersonal relationships during COVID-19General Psychiatry 2020;33:e100385. doi: 10.1136/gpsych-2020-100385
Stanley, S.M. and Markman, H.J. (2020), Helping Couples in the Shadow of COVID-19. Fam. Proc., 59: 937-955. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12575